20 Things I Learned in My First Month of Caring for Elderly Parents

20 Things I Learned in My First Month of Caring for Elderly ParentsCaring for elderly parents is not for the faint of heart because you’re a novice in uncharted territory. But when things get tough, you definitely have to be grateful you have your parents (!!!) and remember that many other people would give everything they have to have just one more day with their mom and dad.

I recently moved my parents — rather abruptly — from their home 350 miles away into an independent living retirement community near my house because I could see they were declining rapidly at ages 90 and 92. Here are 20 tips I learned during my first month of caregiving:

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  1. Build up your self-esteem any way you can, because you may need it. Being a caregiver can be a blow to your confidence (1) When one or both parents are less than complimentary about your best efforts (2) On the nights when you get home at 10 p.m. after working all day and visiting them – and have to hurry to eat and go to bed, so you can do it again the next day (3)When you want to cry and you tell yourself, “I don’t know if I can do this!” To counteract negativity, it helps to buy a self-esteem page-a-day calendar like I did — and find other things to lift your spirits (yoga, meditation, prayer, etc.)!
  2. Carry your phone everywhere and be prepared 24/7 for phone calls to your parents, your parents’ medical providers, retirement center administrators, creditors, and more — and calls from those very same people with sometimes urgent and anxiety-provoking news. Tip: Get an app that converts voicemail to text messages, so you can sneak a peek during meetings at work, church services, parties, movies or any time when it would be inconvenient and time-consuming to play a voicemail.
  3. Record contact info in your phone for every person or business you contact on your parents’ behalf (doctors, physical therapists, pharmacies, etc.), because chances are good you’ll need it again!
  4. Take notes about every interaction you have regarding your parents’ insurance, medical records, prescriptions, doctor appointments, special needs, etc. And set up some sort of tickler system to follow up on the details. (I carry a notebook everywhere and record everything in it; it’s a godsend.) Don’t forget to remind yourself about things in you own life, too, like taking out the garbage!17 Things I Learned in the First Month of Caring for Elderly Parents
  5. Carry copies of your parents’ Medicare cards and social security numbers with you at all times for unexpected emergency room visits and medical appointments; they may or may not have them on hand.
  6. Talk to friends who’ve cared for their parents. They can give you valuable tips and show you how to stay sane in situations that could bring you to your knees.
  7. Keep your sense of humor because it’s better to laugh than to cry. The first week my parents moved into the retirement community, one fell and ended up in the ER, and the second week one had a choking incident at dinner (Heimlich maneuver saved the day after an alert food server noticed and summoned help). After that, one inadvertently got a leg caught and pulled the “help” cord on the emergency device in the bathroom and was surprised to look up and see a strange woman in the bathroom during the shower.
  8. Get a credit card in your name on your parents’ account so you can buy the things they need without having to constantly seek reimbursement or get cash in advance. This was the best thing I could’ve done!17 Things I Learned in the First Month of Caring for Elderly Parents
  9. Dress in layers. If your parents are always cold, their home could easily be near 80 degrees all the time and feel like a sauna –and you might need to shed some clothes when you visit.
  10. Mentally prepare yourself to talk about bodily functions and do things you never thought you’d ever do. I’ve told myself numerous times, “I can’t believe I’m doing this!” or “I can’t believe I’m having this conversation!”– but you’d be surprised what you can do if you need to.
  11. Look for the bright side to everything. For example — yes, I spent the whole evening  in the emergency room the first week my parents moved here and it was scary and stressful, but at least no bones were broken and I didn’t miss work. And always, always remind yourself how glad you are to have your parents to take care of.
  12. Listen to and look at your parents and their surroundings carefully. Be alert that your 17 Things I Learned in the First Month of Caring for Elderly Parentsmom’s eye is red and she needs eye drops. Be aware of things they may not hear. One night I visited and immediately heard a fan running. They thought I was crazy because they didn’t hear anything, but I got up on a chair and checked the over-the-stove mounted microwave and a fan on it had been running continuously when it shouldn’t be. Check that they’re stocked with food. Make sure their clothes are being washed, they have toiletries needed, their prescriptions don’t need  refills and the house is being cleaned. Ask questions and follow up if you don’t think something is right.
  13. Make lists! Besides taking notes (see #4 above), making lists is a lifesaver. Put “things to do” in order of priority, so if you can only do a few things in a given day, they’re the most important things. There will be lots and lots of “things to do” in the first months after your parents move.
  14. Post a calendar and mark it with their appointments and events. You may want to notate what days you’ll come to visit, too. Post reminder notes — and the calendar — on their refrigerator for easy reference. (This is also helpful if a physical therapist visits them at home, since he or she can mark appointments on the calendar, too – and knows when they have other commitments.)
  15. Realize that you’ll be distracted and stressed with added responsibilities and duties. I 17 Things I Learned in the First Month of Caring for Elderly Parentsknow when I get overwhelmed, I tend to lose my key ring. If that’s your weak point, buy a device like Tile Mate to locate your keys with a phone app if they go missing. If something else happens to you under stress, be conscious of what it is and take some action to alleviate the problem.
  16. Be aware that you may have to learn a lot of new things — how Medicare works and what it pays for, how hearing aids work and how to care for them, etc.
  17. Keep in mind you’ll have personal crises of your own at the same time. 17 Things I Learned in the First Month of Caring for Elderly ParentsDuring the first month I had car trouble, an ice and snow storm (in South Carolina!) that made roads impassible for days, a delayed flight on a weekend trip to my parents’ home in another state to clear stuff out that resulted in sleeping in the airport overnight, a broken garbage disposal with water dripping under the sink (see photo left), a heavy work schedule, Christmas (with no decorations, no cookies, few gifts) — and a full house of visiting family members. See #7, #11 and #15 above to cope.
  18. Take care of yourself! If you don’t eat well, exercise and get enough sleep — you can’t adequately help your parents. I lost 5 lbs. the first 10 days and got more than 10,000 steps on my Fitbit during those days and many others — so there may be some incidental health benefits!
  19. Don’t expect thanks. One of my parents is a thanker and the other, well, isn’t. Therefore, some of my more herculean efforts were met with either no comment or a complaint. (I had to go home and look at the sign from my calendar — see #1 above – for some self-esteem building on more than one occasion.)
  20. Enjoy the good times together — and be grateful for them.

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19 Responses to 20 Things I Learned in My First Month of Caring for Elderly Parents

  1. Elisa says:

    Those are truly wonderful tips.

  2. Mary says:

    really good list. I just started taking care of my parents (87 &93) and definitely challenging. I take pics with my phone of their med bottles and upload them to a folder I can share with other siblings and a scanner app to scan all medical reports and other important documents….eventually another sib will take over so I thought that way I can just sent them a link to google drive (or you could use dropbox, etc)…
    Mary recently posted…Best Toilet Cleaner for Septic Tanks 2018 ReviewsMy Profile

  3. Scott says:

    Hello Diane – this is an awesome list that could only have come from personal experience. Having a credit card on their account is a nice tip especially. My grandmother is 90 and recently quit driving so we run many of her errands and do her shopping for her. My mom finally got on her checking account to make this easier. But, this subject can be delicate too. Paranoia sometimes comes with aging and dementia so make sure they understand this measure is to help!

    • blogqueendiane says:

      Hi Scott,

      I’m only two months into it – and learning all the time! I know several people whose elderly loved ones thought people were stealing their money — and that would be a tricky situation. Will have to check out your website! Thanks for stopping by.

  4. luis parsons says:

    this is such a great article!thank you so much for sharing this… I really love the tips!this will surely help me a lot in taking care of my grandmother.

  5. ALTCP says:

    Hi, Diane! This is really inspiring! Thanks for sharing things you learned in your first month of taking care of your parents. I find building up your self-esteem very interesting. I agree that no matter how frustrating it is to be a family caregiver, you should counter that negativity by boosting your self-esteem through different ways like doing meditation, yoga and that calendar seems it will serve its purpose well. We have included your article in our roundup for this month because I think our readers will learn so much from this. Hope you can check it out: http://www.altcp.org/family-caregiving-coping-with-emotional-and-financial-toll/.
    ALTCP recently posted…Family Caregiving: Coping with Emotional and Financial TollMy Profile

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  7. sixtyplus says:

    These are some great tips! Thanks for keeping it so real and thanks for sharing!

  8. sixtyplus says:

    These are certainly some of the best points. When you are with an elderly you need to have ample amount of patience and that’s the key. Thanks so much for sharing.

  9. carolyn says:

    What a great list. Everyone’s experience of caring for an elderly relative is different. But there is one thing that they all have in common. It is harder than they thought!

  10. Raj says:

    Hi Diane, The article is indeed very touching, I am the only child of my parents. Although my mom is still fit unlike my dad. Sometimes, I tend to lose my temper on them due to stress and then I cant help feeling remorse. I know that one day they will be no more, this thought makes me sad. Reading your article made me feel very comfortble

  11. Dirk Tiu says:

    Thanks for the very useful tips! Keep em coming!
    Dirk Tiu recently posted…Achieving Proper Balance for the ElderlyMy Profile

  12. Been There in TX says:

    You are doing a GREAT JOB. Your parnets are BLESSED TO HAVE SUCH A GOOD DAUGHTER. I know it is hard now, but once your parents are gone you will be relieved at first , surprised by how much you miss them, will never regret caring for them.Been there. Bless You

    PS: I kept a typed list of parents current meds and doctors, health history/surgery etc. in my purse as well as copy of living will and power attorney. Master copy on computor. Get a prepaid funeral package done while they are still in good mind and can express their desires.

  13. Sam Gibson says:

    You make a great point about making sure to carry your phone with you everywhere. My parents are hoping to find some good caregiving services for my grandparents. They’d love to find someone to help them since they’re having a hard time taking care of themselves.

  14. Excellent tips! Care giving could seem to be thankless at times because parents are sometimess too much at pain to express their gratitude or appreciation for what you are doing, they are so much in discomfort, at that time it is a nice idea to have tools like self esteem calendar to boost yourself.

    Also, always one must try to seek help from friends, family and community, you will be surprised by the selfless and good assistance you may endup receiving,
    Donna Branton recently posted…Hello world!My Profile

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